Going on a date... with G. Wow discovered a new letter.....


Tell me a story where we all change
And we’d live our lives together
And not estranged

I didn’t lose my mind, it was mine to give away
Couldn’t stay to watch me cry
You didn’t have the time
So I softly slip away...

No regrets, they don’t work
No regrets now, they only hurt

Sing me a lovesong (sing me a lovesong)
Drop me a line (drop me a line)
Suppose it’s just a point of view
But they tell me I’m doing fine

I know from the outside (when they all stared)
We looked good for eachother (so people said)
Felt things we’re going wrong
When you didn’t like my mother (it was all in your head)

I don’t want to hate but that’s all you’ve left me with
A bitter aftertaste and a fantasy
Of how we all could live...

No regrets, they don’t work
No regrets now, they only hurt
(we’ve been told you stay up late)
I know they’re still talking
(you’re far too short to carry weight)
The demons in your head
(return the videos they’re late)
If I could just stop hating you
(goodbye )
I feel sorry for us instead

Remember the photographs, insane
The one where we all laughed, so lame
We were having the time of our lives
Well thank you, it was a real blast

No regrets, they don't work
No regrets now, they only hurt
(we’ve been told you stay up late)
Write me a love song
(you’re far too short to carry weight)
Drop me a line
(return the videos they’re late)
Suppose it's just a point of view
(goodbye )
But they tell me I'm doing fine

Everything I wanted to be, everytime I walked away
Everytime you told me to leave, I just wanted to stay
Everytime you looked at me, and everytime you smiled
I felt so vacant, you treat me like a child
I love the way we used to laugh, the way we used to smile
Often I sit down and think of you for a while
And then it passes me by and think of someone else instead
I guess the love that we once had is officialy...

Dead.

Now I know
That I can't make you stay
But where's your heart
But where's your heart
But where's your...

And I know
There's nothing I could say
To change that part
To change that part
To change...

So many
Bright lights to cast a shadow
But can I speak?
Well is it hard understanding
I'm incomplete
A life that's so demanding
I get so weak
A loveless soul demanding
I can't speak

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you could say can stop me going home

Can you see
My eyes are shining bright
Cause I'm out here
On the other side
Of a jet black hotel mirror
And I'm so weak
Is it hard understanding
I'm incomplete
A loveless soul demanding
I get weak

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you could say can stop me going home

These bright lights are always bright to me
These bright lights are always bright to me
I say

I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead

(How can I see, I see you lying) 'Cause I see you lying next to me
(How can I see, I see you lying) With words I thought I'd never speak
(How can I see, I see you lying) Awake and unafraid
(How can I see, I see you lying) Asleep or dead

'Cause I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead

Try to turn it off
But it's hard to see
Through this emptiness
Slowly breaking me
Maybe hurt me just a little less
Then I can start to breathe
But still your heart is out of reach

What were we thinking
And what will we do now
Ah ha
Right now
Right now
Right now
Ooh ooh

The sun hasn't shined today at all
A funny thing
You haven't called
Tell me why
Or should I be asking?
How would I respond to it all
Times were good
I wish you were around more
I can feel you at my door
But it's not you
It's someone else
What can I do
Ooh, what did we do

What were we thinking
What were we thinking
What were we thinking
Right now
Right now
Right now

Try to turn it off
But it's hard to see
Through this emptiness
Slowly breaking me
Maybe hurt me just a little less
Then I can start to breathe
But still your heart is out fo reach

What were we thinking
What can we do now
Right now
Right now

Try to turn it off
But it's hard to see
Through this emptiness
Slowly breaking me
Maybe hurt me just a little less
Then I can start to breathe
But still

I should have known
It was right in front of me
Screaming girl just walk away
See it can't ever be
Oh, what would we do now
We carried on making our mistakes
Thinking our love was free
Now you've taken part of me
Right now

Am i sick when i believe these things to be true? Guess i am.


1. If i'm not thin i'm not attractive.
2. Its more important to be thin than to be healthy.
3. I have to do everything i can to be thin.
4. I cannot eat without feeling guilty.
5. I cannot eat without working against it afterwards.
6. I must count my calories
7. What the weightscale says is what's important.
8. Losing weight is good, putting on bad
9. One can never be too thin
10. To be thin and control eating makes one strong

Did the heavy-petting-thing with L. yesterday. Shouldn't have done that but i was to drunk to stop. So he slept here, and allthough it was nice to wake up next to somebody and to have somebody caressing your neck back and so on it just felt wrong. I don't know what to do about it because i like him as a friend and that about covers it.
Was just kinda hoping he would go soon. Now i'm going to Jones to "work". Guess that wont be so much about working there.

Funny thing was i think i asked him about the same thing Cologne asked me - o-tone - are you sure you know what you are doing?

Woow, stop right there, Cologne! Just got an email stating that he could come visit me in K. in August, that we could drive to G. in September and when he has moved into his new bachelor appartment in ocotber i could come visit as often as i would like........ Hmmm. The email ended with "tell me i'm crazy, perhaps i am".
Yes, you are and yes, i probably should tell you!
I actually am starting to think that he is somewhat out of his mind, but somehow i also rely on that, because somehow i guess i need it - people caring about me and thinking about me.
Speaking of people thinking about me; Mr. Jones hadn't returned my smsses untill yesterday and this sms was so un-crazy that i am starting think that that number is just plain bullshit. Well he told me to "keep me time reserved for him tomorrow" which, i guess, means something like: i'll-come-at-5am-and-leave-at-6-after-i-have-taken-you-hard-and -slapped-you-a-bit-around-for-my-own-pleasure-then-i-will-go-back
-home-to-my-wife-who-i-love-and-will-never-leave-but-unfortunately
-she's-too-fragile-to-slap-around.
I really think about that aspect though, it is kinda annoying but on the other hand, it might sound absurd, but being slapped during sex actually make me feel more powerful then it probably does him. Well who knows? Lets see what tomorrow brings....

Cologne just called, thought about not answering but it's better to have someone depending on you to call you then not having anyone call at all

Its funny how, when you tell people that you sometimes vomit after eating, the never mention it again, whereas they are always busy going on about how i should stop drinking, smoking, being promiscuous - yadayada.
Hey i hadn't had sex in 4 month when the-ex and I broke up, so excuse me for being wanting

Had Cologne "sleepover" last night.
Didn't really feel like it actually and i think i was kinda giving him a hard time, being pissy and all. Got into talking about the-ex and after 2 glasses of Merlot i was giving him the full story about the painsubstitutingpain-thing i've got going, well guess he thinks i'm fucked up now - which however didnt stop him fucking me later that night - hmm. Wasn't that good actually, but i think i'm on a powertrip at the moment.
Having men want you badly makes one feel very powerful, and for someone like me who doesn't feel all that powerful at the moment, that kinda helps.

How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel this wrong

Storm.. in the morning light
I feel
No more can I say
Frozen to myself

I got nobody on my side
And surely that ain't right