Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
But baby when they knock you
Down and out
It's where you oughta stay

So fix your eyes and get up
Better get up
While you can

When you go
Would you have the guts to say
"I don't love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday"

So much happened so much pain, so much i haven't been able to write.
I hope it getting better now, but im not sure.



He walks you say sit down it’s just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you’ve told him all along
And pray to God he hears you

He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he’ll say he’s just not the same
And you’ll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

People I have lost:
X.
B.
C.
J.
A.
A.
A.
E.l (guess i lost him before that)
Mom-in-law
Paps-in-law
1. Brother-in-law
2. Brother-in-law
1. Sister-in-law
2. Sister-in-law
Eh Nephew-in-law
Cousin-in-law

OK thats like 16 people out of my life, its like "ok have a nice life"

What happened? How did i end up like this again?


Should I feel a moment with you
To softly whisper
I crave nothing else so much
Longing to reveal
Total honesty
I can feel your touch
I'm reaching out in this mourning air

Oh my god, it's just so much pain. He called and effectively kept repeating for an hour how sorry he is and so on and on and on and on.
I'm meeting with mr. Jones in less than an hour and i'm drunk and (i wish) all cried out. Don't really know what to do right now. A part of me just wants to jump out of the window and just end this pain. He said he was sorry but i just think he was waiting for me to end the call - which i ultimatly did - Drama queen, always was, always will be; apparently.... this time i'm coming down
Doesn't feel that good really, i would like to be anything but a dramaqueen.
He has somebody else, met her 2 weeks ago, so now he realised that he dosn't need me hanging on anymore.
'Cause baby, ooh, if heaven calls, I'm coming, too
Just like you said, you leave my life, I'm better off dead
It's just so fucked up to be so sad.
Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse

I wish somebody could help

Oh my god he is just such an asshole

The-Ex just send me the following sms:

Hallo [myname], thank you for the bike, im sorry but i cannot imagine that we will ever be able to be a pair again. I like you and it hurts but i have made up my mind. All the best and perhaps ill see you soon. Love [insert name]

I'm about ready too jump out the window now........

Pages like this are just a big fat slap in the face http://www.wikihow.com/Handle-Excruciating-Pain

If the pain is to hard, just eat a lot and puke it out again - make's one feel good in a bad way - hmm or bad in a good way.......

Just went to the-exs place delivering off the racingbike which he was supposed to have picked up about seven times.
Guess i was kinda hoping that he would be home but of course he wasn't...
Now i'm just feeling sick to my heart and like a really fat cow.




I'm lying alone with my head on the phone
thinking of you 'till it hurts
I know you hurt too but whatelse can we do
tormented and torn apart
I wish I could carry your smile in my heart
Times when my life seems so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
when today doesn't really know doesn't really know

I'm all out of love I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I'm all out of love what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong

I want you to come back and carry me home
away from these long lonely nights
I'm reaching for you are you feeling it too
does the feeling seem oh so right
And what would you say if I'd call on you now
And say that I can't hold on
there's no easy way it gets harder each day
please love me or I'll be gone

Oh what are you thinking of
what are you thinking of

I'm all out of love I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I'm all out of love what am I without you
I can't be too late I know that I was so wrong

Woow, stop right there, Cologne! Just got an email stating that he could come visit me in K. in August, that we could drive to G. in September and when he has moved into his new bachelor appartment in ocotber i could come visit as often as i would like........ Hmmm. The email ended with "tell me i'm crazy, perhaps i am".
Yes, you are and yes, i probably should tell you!
I actually am starting to think that he is somewhat out of his mind, but somehow i also rely on that, because somehow i guess i need it - people caring about me and thinking about me.
Speaking of people thinking about me; Mr. Jones hadn't returned my smsses untill yesterday and this sms was so un-crazy that i am starting think that that number is just plain bullshit. Well he told me to "keep me time reserved for him tomorrow" which, i guess, means something like: i'll-come-at-5am-and-leave-at-6-after-i-have-taken-you-hard-and -slapped-you-a-bit-around-for-my-own-pleasure-then-i-will-go-back
-home-to-my-wife-who-i-love-and-will-never-leave-but-unfortunately
-she's-too-fragile-to-slap-around.
I really think about that aspect though, it is kinda annoying but on the other hand, it might sound absurd, but being slapped during sex actually make me feel more powerful then it probably does him. Well who knows? Lets see what tomorrow brings....

Believe i'm breaking my personal record in crying-on-somebody-different's-shoulder-every-night

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
Say, If I only could

Cologne just called, thought about not answering but it's better to have someone depending on you to call you then not having anyone call at all

Had my former best friend U. visiting yesterday - started off really nice, i went on rambling about my problems for about 2 hours untill i did the "and-how-are-you-doing"-thing and she said, well you know we wanted to get pregnant but now i have this gland-diseace and i have to wait untill the medication is working otherwise the child will be misformed.....

All i could think was, you selfish bitch, you just go on about yourself and never stop once to ask your friend how things are and even worse your "bestfriend" dont call you anymore to tell you she's sick.
That is just so sad!

Unfortunately later we got to the topic of the-ex and i tried to stop but ended up crying my eyes out - again.
She left at half past twelve and i just felt like a piece of shit and actually still do...

I'm going to the library now and i'm going to try to get my act together

Its funny how, when you tell people that you sometimes vomit after eating, the never mention it again, whereas they are always busy going on about how i should stop drinking, smoking, being promiscuous - yadayada.
Hey i hadn't had sex in 4 month when the-ex and I broke up, so excuse me for being wanting

Had Cologne "sleepover" last night.
Didn't really feel like it actually and i think i was kinda giving him a hard time, being pissy and all. Got into talking about the-ex and after 2 glasses of Merlot i was giving him the full story about the painsubstitutingpain-thing i've got going, well guess he thinks i'm fucked up now - which however didnt stop him fucking me later that night - hmm. Wasn't that good actually, but i think i'm on a powertrip at the moment.
Having men want you badly makes one feel very powerful, and for someone like me who doesn't feel all that powerful at the moment, that kinda helps.

How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel this wrong

Storm.. in the morning light
I feel
No more can I say
Frozen to myself

I got nobody on my side
And surely that ain't right

Also very effective is getting a brazillian waxing - dude that hurt like hell ähm, alot, but so does so many other things

As i found out today, getting your teeth drilling without anesthetic is a very effective tool to destract oneself from pain